Miss Furinkan High
by Doctor Emmit Brown
Summary: A beauty pageant is held at Furinkan High, and the prize is a vacation with the "Secret Bachelor". Everyone thinks that it's Ranma, so all the usual rivals get involved. Who will be crowned, and who is the Secret Bachelor?


The poster was hung on the corkboard in the hallway. Any other day the entire student population would walk past the board with only a few people even bothering to look at it, let alone sign up for any of the events. This particular poster however, left nothing to chance. It was huge, and the only obvious reason that it wasn't any bigger was because it wouldn't have fit onto the corkboard otherwise. An infinite number of lines crowded the bottom half of the poster, prompting people to sign up. The lettering itself was massive as well, big block letters at least six or seven centimeters high across the top, with the details below in smaller type.

MISS FURINKAN HIGH COMPETITION

Ladies! Sign up for the first annual Miss Furinkan High pageant!

Find out who is the most beautiful woman at school!

Grand Prize of ¥100,000 and an all expenses paid vacation for two to Minakami Lodge with the "Secret Bachelor!"

Allure, talent, poise, and beauty all required.

Below this was a list of information in fine print about when and where the pageant would be held, participant requirements, and a list of sponsors. It seemed like someone had gone through a lot of effort to put this on. About the only thing that the poster didn't reveal was who the "Secret Bachelor" was, a fact which didn't go unnoticed by the gaggle of girls hanging around the poster.

"I wonder who it is," said one.

"Of course you do Dummy, otherwise he wouldn't be a _secret _bachelor now would he?" replied another.

"I'll bet its Ranma," said a third.

"No way! He's already got three fiancées and Kodachi Kuno chasing after him. I'd hardly call that a bachelor."

"Yeah, but you always hear about how celebrities are 'eligible bachelors' when they have millions of women wishing they could be with them. What if Ranma doesn't really want the attention and this is his way of finding a girl he can actually date?"

"I wouldn't say he doesn't like the attention," said a new voice. All the girls turned to see Akane standing there, a cynical smile she could have only learned from her sister Nabiki on her face as she looked up at Ranma, who was standing next to her.

Ranma scowled at his fiancée, but didn't rebut the point. "It ain't me," he said simply.

One of the girls in the group clung to hope. "Well, the pageant is obviously being put on by the school. Maybe the principal is setting you up again."

Ranma blinked in surprise at this idea. It certainly had merit. It wouldn't be the first time Principal Kuno had been a thorn in his side after all. "Excuse me ladies, I have to do something," he muttered through clenched teeth as he stomped off.

The girls all watched him walk away, some of them watching some of the lower portions of his anatomy, much to Akane's ire. When he disappeared from view, there was a mad rush to fill in contact information on the poster, which only raised her ire even more.

One of the girls turned to Akane and offered her pen. "Here Akane, you should sign up too. After all, he is your fiancé."

Akane just sniffed disdainfully. "Why would I want to sign up for a contest to date Ranma?"

"Aww come on, you know you want to," replied the girl. "Besides, it would be a great way to girl it up like you always wanted to. Remember _Romeo and Juliet_?"

Akane hated to admit it, but she had a point. The entire purpose of her wanting to play Juliet was so that she could prove that she was more feminine than most people gave her credit for. Competing in the pageant would certainly do that. On the other hand… "Yeah I remember it. It ended in disaster with four Romeos, two Juliets, and a trip to see 'China.'" She added finger quotes to the name to emphasize her sarcasm. "I think I'll sit this one out thank you very much." She turned off in a huff

It was then that the wall caved in. A figure holding a take out box stood in the debris. "Did Shampoo hear right? Is a contest to date Ranma? Is perfect! Ranma finally see that Shampoo is best woman for him!" She noticed her rival standing off to the side of the group of oddly terrified girls in front of the poster. "Akane make good choice not signing up. She just embarrass herself in swimsuit competition."

Akane burned with rage, but quickly reined it in. "Well, you should do fine Shampoo, so long as there isn't a Japanese test as one of the qualifying rounds."

Shampoo saw red, but didn't reply to the insult on her intelligence. Instead she just marched up to the board, stole some hapless girl's pen, and quickly wrote down her name and phone number. "Shampoo will beat Akane at pageant, and then Ranma will be Shampoo's!" She picked up her delivery and bounced out the hole she came in, laughing the entire time.

Another pen was shoved in Akane's face. "Now you have to sign up Akane! You can't let Shampoo steal your man like that!"

Akane pushed the pen away. "I'm not going to sign up just to compete with Shampoo. I just know that something is going to go way wrong with this whole thing, and I want to be as far away from it as possible, especially if Ranma is shanghaied into being the Secret Bachelor against his will." With that, Akane left a stunned group of girls in her wake as she marched off to class. Of course, her little speech didn't prevent any of the others from putting down their own names.

----

Weeks passed and the first rehearsal for the pageant arrived. True to her word, Akane never signed up for the escapade she was certain the pageant was going to become. Ranma had tried to track down the principal to "convince" him that he wasn't going to be the grand prize, but hadn't been able to find the slippery man for the life of him. Thinking that he'd find him at the rehearsal, Ranma had gone to the school auditorium to search.

The seats were all empty, but the stage was full of activity – and girls in their gym clothes. They were all practicing their various poses, talents, and choreographed dances. Not seeing the principal, Ranma figured that maybe he was backstage. Of course, they weren't just about to let him go back there to look, not with girls changing their clothes in the dressing room. He felt a ghost of pain run up his spine as he remembered the few times he'd been mistaken for a peeping tom when he was trying to prevent Happosai from doing just that. He'd need a disguise.

One bucket of cold water and a visit to the girl's locker room later, Ranma was dressed in a shirt and bloomers just like all the rest of the girls. He'd also braided his hair and added a pair of glassless glasses. Certain that his disguise was perfect, Ranma rushed onto the stage and started to pretend to be going through a dance sequence. He was working his way over to the side of the stage, when he bumped into someone.

"Oh! Hey are you alright?" asked the girl. Ranma looked up to apologize, then quickly tried to look away lest he be found out. It was Ukyo. She'd been standing there, twirling a couple of her spatulas like a majorette. Her big spatula was at her feet, and was probably part of the act as well. Despite his turning his head, Ukyo still recognized the face of the girl who ran into her. "Ran-chan?"

"Shhhhh!" Ranma hissed. "I'm in disguise here! Don't let on that it's me!"

Confused, but curious, Ukyo nodded and lowered her voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I figured I could find Principal Kuno here. I need to convince him that I'm not going to be the Secret Bachelor for this thing."

Ukyo frowned thoughtfully. "I haven't seen him in at least a month. He's certainly not here." She paused. "You mean you're _not_ the Secret Bachelor?"

"Not if I have anything to say about it," he replied darkly. "But I just know that the principal is going to try to rope me into it somehow."

Ukyo thought about that for a moment. It certainly seemed like something the elder Kuno would try to pull. On the other hand, if she won, and Ranma _wasn't_ able to find him… "You know, now that I think about it, I think I saw Principal Kuno going into his secret hiding place over by the pool the other day," she lied.

"You mean the one with the entrance behind that ridiculous statue of himself?"

"That's the one."

"Alright," Ranma sighed. "That's as good a place to start looking as any I guess." Ukyo tried not to laugh as she watched Ranma storm off. Honestly, he looked rather silly walking like a man when he was in that form. She then picked up her spatulas and started to twirl in earnest. She had a lot of work to do before the pageant, and so long as Ranma couldn't find the principal, then she was going to make sure she won.

----

Shampoo was browsing through her closet, looking for the perfect swimsuit to wear for the pageant when she felt the hair on the back of her neck tingle. Quickly she ducked low, avoiding the blow from a heavy mallet. Then she gritted her teeth when her attacker started The Laugh.

"Ohohohoho!" screeched Kodachi. "I underestimated you my foreign friend!" She lifted her mallet for a second strike. "A mistake I shall not make again."

Shampoo dodged again, reaching up and easily disarming Kodachi. "What is stupid Ribbon Girl doing here?" she demanded while taking up a defensive stance.

Kodachi quickly retreated, pulling out said ribbon. "Obviously I'm here to observe my competition in the pageant for Darling Ranma." She whipped the ribbon at Shampoo, wrapping it around her arm. "You would have been a worthy competitor. It's a pity that your injuries will prevent you from attending."

Unfortunately for Kodachi, she'd never fought an Amazon before, and had seriously underestimated her prey. Shampoo watched amused as Kodachi tried in vain to pull her in closer. It hardly took any of her strength to keep her distance. She reached behind her back with her free hand and pulled a sword out of nowhere. She grinned as she watched her opponent's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates as she sliced through the ribbon holding her arm, then brandished the sword at Kodachi.

The gymnast gulped, experiencing a small modicum of fear. It wasn't the first time one of her competitors had fought back, but it was certainly the first time one had fought back with a deadly weapon. Kodachi was used to being the one with that advantage! She nervously cleared her throat. "Well… Perhaps you are a worthy opponent after all. It shall be much more rewarding to defeat you at the pageant after all." With that, a tornado of black rose petals surrounded her, and Kodachi made good her escape.

Shampoo harrumphed as Kodachi leapt out the window, leaving behind a mess in her room. She'd lose to that nut over her dead body. She had half a mind to chase after Kodachi, but decided that it would be too much effort. Kodachi had one thing right however, it would be much more satisfying to beat her at the pageant than to prevent her from showing up in the first place. She turned back to her closet once again to chose just the perfect bathing suit to do just that, when a better idea occurred to her.

---

At last it was the day of the pageant, and the auditorium was packed. It seemed that nearly every girl who attended Furinkan, and quite a few who didn't, had signed up for the event. It was obvious that this was going to be an all day event.

Set up in the front row was a box with paper walls, lit from inside. A sign on the top of the box indicated that this was the seating place of the mysterious "Secret Bachelor" who had the local female population putting on this show. A crowd of them were gathered around the box, trying to figure out who he was from the shape of his silhouette.

"It can't be Ranma," said one of them. "There's no pigtail."

"Yeah, but he's only here because Principal Kuno forced him to do it," said another. "Maybe he finally managed to cut off that pigtail." This seemed to be a plausible enough explanation that the girls took another good look in an attempt to find some of his other distinguishing features.

The house lights dimmed, and a spotlight was shined on the stage. The MC stepped out from behind the curtain and waved to the crowd. "Hello Furinkan High! I am Xian 'China' Li, and I will be your MC for the night! Your drama department impressed me so much last time, that I decided to be your MC! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!"

With a flourish, Li motioned with his hands, and the curtains opened widely, revealing the girls all arranged on the stage behind him, all dressed in expensive looking evening gowns. Suddenly a song began with a heavy downbeat and the girls all started their choreographed dance routine.

Ukyo was concentrating hard on making sure she was on her mark at the right time. It was harder than she thought it would be, even with her martial arts training. Somehow she managed to drop into her final stance on the last beat standing on her target X. Proud of herself, Ukyo smiled brightly as she caught her breath. Despite her tiredness, she was still aware enough of her surroundings to realize that the floor beneath her was falling away.

Quickly leaping to the side, Ukyo managed to get off her mark before the trapdoor below her opened up and dropped her into the basement. Standing off to the side, she watched as one by one, all the girls on the stage disappeared. She'd never heard of a stage with so many trapdoors. She looked down to make sure she wasn't standing on another, and breathed a sigh of relief when she didn't see any seams.

Ukyo looked up to see who was left standing, and found that she had some mixed emotions about the results. It seemed that the dirty trick had knocked out most of the competition, only two other girls were left. The problem was that those two remaining girls were Shampoo and Kodachi. Shampoo was hanging from a rope up in the rafters, where she had leapt after a trapdoor had opened up beneath her. Kodachi on the other hand was standing on her mark in a relaxed pose, a remote of some sort in her hand. She heard the gymnast mumble something decidedly unladylike under her breath when she realized that there were survivors. Ukyo burned with rage, but held herself back from storming over to the other girl and knocking her out, knowing that it would only knock herself out of the competition too.

"Well, it seems that most of the girls have been eliminated somehow," announced Li. "So our next event, the swimsuit competition, will only feature the remaining three competitors!"

Ukyo turned on shaky legs, and started to walk off the stage, when she got the second fright of her life in as many minutes. Shampoo, who had climbed across the catwalks and scaffolding above the stage, had just dropped down to the ground, landing lightly on her feet mere inches in front of the startled chef. Shampoo turned and smiled smugly at her. "Spatula Girl needs to pay more attention to where she is walking. Shampoo could have hurt her."

Ukyo stared at Shampoo as she walked off, knowing that the Amazon had spared her because she didn't feel she was a threat. Well if that's how her remaining rivals wanted to play it, then all bets were off. She'd show them just how much of a threat she could be.

----

The music rose dramatically and the curtain parted to reveal the stage for the swimsuit competition. First came Ukyo, wearing a tasteful, yet stimulating one piece, a round oval cut in the middle, showing off her belly. She walked proudly to her mark, if a little wobbly on her stiletto heels, not quite used to the balance yet. Reaching her place without falling, she posed and smiled brightly for the crowd, enjoying the applause.

Kodachi was next to walk on the stage, and she strode across it with the confidence of a woman who was used to showing off her curves in a leotard on a daily basis. It was a good thing too because the micro bikini she was wearing showed off all of them. The strings holding the tiny patches of cloth were a clear plastic, so that from a distance, it looked more like she had pasted the patches onto her privates.

Shampoo was third to stride onto the stage, and surprisingly, she was actually wearing a rather modest one piece suit that covered her entire torso. It was cut high in the leg, and low in the front, but it covered more than even Ukyo's suit. Ukyo did wonder, however, if the suit was too small for the Chinese woman, as her nipples were standing out quite clearly, and she had one hell of a camel toe.

The girls posed for the audience, and waited for the MC to thank them and get to the Q & A part when they heard a voice that sent a shiver down the spines of all the women in the auditorium. "Hotcha! What do we have here? What lovely pretties you have for me!"

From out of the catwalks, Happosai struck, swinging down on a rope like a decrepit Tarzan. Ukyo managed to duck out of the way, but Kodachi wasn't so lucky. She barely even noticed that her top was gone until she heard the catcalls from the male members of the audience. Quickly covering herself, Kodachi screamed as she rushed off the stage.

Ukyo looked up and was surprised to see that she wasn't the only one that had come out of the attack unscathed. Shampoo was still wearing her suit as well. Maybe it was because it was a one piece? But then she noticed there was something odd about the coloring on her breast…

"Hey what gives?" crowed Happosai, wiping a hand on his pants. "What's with the paint? You almost made me get my new pretty all dirty."

It was then that Ukyo, along with the audience, realized that Shampoo's suit was in fact just body paint. There weren't even any modesty patches. One of the bolder teenaged boys in the audience tried to reach up on stage to cop a feel. He nearly lost that hand when Shampoo sliced at him with a giant sword she pulled from… well, Ukyo wasn't sure where it came from, and frankly didn't want to think too hard on it either. Instead, she just walked off the stage, figuring this part of the competition was over, and leaving Shampoo brandishing her sword at the audience, daring them to come up on stage.

Backstage, Ukyo slipped into a corner. "Here you go," she said, offering a stack of money to a diminutive figure in the shadows. "Although, I don't know why I'm paying you to do something you would have done for free anyway."

"Yes, well I've always believed that one should earn money doing what he loves," replied Happosai as he pocketed the money. "It's why you're a chef, it's why Ranma will eventually teach martial arts, and it's why you're paying me to do this for you." He leered at her. "Besides, I left you alone didn't I?" Ukyo shivered at his look, unconsciously covering herself with her hands.

Another figure in the shadows crept silently away, having heard the entire conversation. So Kodachi tripped the trapdoors, and Ukyo was responsible for Happosai. Well, three could play that game.

----

Kodachi took a swig of her water. She was just about to go on stage and do her gymnastics routine and needed to make sure she was well hydrated. She frowned and looked at her bottle. It tasted kind of funny. Not bad, but not quite like water either. She was still pondering over what the problem was when she heard someone behind her suggest that she change her routine when the audience applauded. Now why would she do a silly thing like that?

She leapt out onto the stage and posed in preparation for her routine, reveling in the applause. She loved this. This was where she belonged, showing off her talents for her loving public. And now she was going to give them what they wanted. She took a deep breath.

MAWY HAD A WITTLE WAMB! ITS FWECE WAS WHITE AS SNOW! AND EVEWYWHERE THAT MAWY WENT, THE WAMB WAS SURE TO GO!"

Kodachi bowed, sure that she had nailed her routine, and walked off the stage. The stunned silence of her adoring fans felt almost as good as the applause had.

Ukyo couldn't believe her eyes and ears. What the hell kind of talent was that? She took another bite of her okonomiyaki. Funny, she didn't remember putting mushrooms on it. And what was that Shampoo was muttering about a strip show?

Shampoo held her sides as she cracked up watching Ukyo take off her clothes and dance in her underwear for the audience. And here she had thought that Kodachi's show had been funny! She _knew_ she'd find an application for those Kairaishi mushrooms. Just because when she tried to use them on Ranma things went kerblooey didn't mean that they would this time. She just had to make sure that nobody was around to screw up the trigger like before. Although, she had to admit that it might have backfired on her a little bit the way that the audience admiring the lingere Ukyo was wearing.

----

"And now it's time for the results!" announced Li. The girls stood on their marks behind him, steaming at the treachery of the others. Each knew that once this was all over, there would have to be retribution. The only problem would be deciding who got theirs first.

Li was handed an envelope. "And the winner is…" He broke the seal and read the result. "Oh wow, how unexpected! The winner is, Akane Tendo!"

"WHAT?" screamed the three remaining competitors.

"WHAT?" echoed the audience.

"Of course she won!" cried the Secret Bachelor. "She is the only woman who could win such a competition between the women of Furinkan High!" A bokken thrust its way through the screen, ripping through the paper and revealing to all just who exactly was the prize. Tatewaki Kuno proudly strode through the hole he cut dressed in a tuxedo. "And now, our winner will reveal herself from where she is shyly hiding, and take her rightful place as queen of the school, before I whisk her away to the resort for a weekend she will never forget!" He posed dramatically and waited for Akane to appear.

The three women on stage were furious. This entire farce of a pageant was a ruse to get Akane to go out with Kuno? What happened to Ranma? Wasn't he supposed to be the prize? Yeah he had said that he wasn't, but that never seemed to matter before when it came to these crazy schemes. They looked at each other, and in a moment of clarity, knew exactly what the others were thinking. With a nod, they simultaneously leapt off the stage, and attacked the Secret Bachelor. The audience cheered loudly as Kuno got what was coming to him, but there was one question which was on everybody's mind: if Ranma wasn't the bachelor after all, just where was he?

----

"I wonder if the real Secret Bachelor has been revealed yet?" Akane asked, curiosity evident in her voice. "And just who was he anyway?"

"Uh… hah… it oughta be… about now," Ranma gasped. "Never… did find out who… it was though."

"And I still can't believe all those girls were trying to convince me to enter that pageant!" Akane declared dismissively. She smiled up at her fiancé. "Of course, I could hardly tell them why it was pointless for me to sign up in the first place."

Beads of perspiration dotted Ranma's forehead as he panted his response. "Yeah… uh… y'think you could… focus on what we're doing? It's a bit… distracting."

"Sorry." The girl lying below him lifted her head and gave him a deep kiss, then began rocking her hips in time with his. "How's this?" she whispered sensuously.

"Gr-great!" he managed to moan before losing all ability to form words. A few minutes later, simultaneous groans of rapture announced the fulfillment of the pleasure they had both been seeking and giving to one another.

Ranma rolled over in the big comfortable hotel bed, breathing hard. He still couldn't get over how winded he always felt after doing that, not that he was complaining. It was certainly worth the effort. He turned to his lover. "That was great," he said.

Akane had a bright smile on her face as she basked in the afterglow. "Yeah, it always is, but today? Wow! What was with you?"

Ranma reached over and pulled Akane in close, laying her head on his chest. "Well when I found out that the principal was actually in Hawaii – and had been for a couple of months – I figured that for once I wasn't the center of a scheme. Since all of the other girls seemed to think I was, I let them continue thinking that so we could get some alone time. This was the first time we've been together like this that I didn't have to worry about being caught by one of them and killed." He hugged his fiancée tighter. "I love you, Tomboy, you know that right?"

Akane smiled up at him. "Yes, and I love you too Baka." She crawled up his body and kissed him soundly. "Heh, feels like you're ready to go again. We may as well use our time to the fullest!"

Ranma smiled that cocky smile that always made Akane's knees feel weak. "Yes ma'am," he said, before turning them both over in bed, and making love to his fiancée once more.

----

This fic was based on an idea that MZepher posted on his livejournal blog. After having read it, I just couldn't help myself, and had to write it. It took about a month, but here it is. I want to thank MZepher for the idea (and for the expanded conclusion I stole word for word :P), and Trent O'Donohugue for being my beta/idea man.

Yes I know Yuki hasn't been updated in like 3 years. I kinda lost where I was going with it. I do want to continue it though, just need to figure out where I was going again.

Oh, and if you're into that kind of stuff, I've also written some lemons recently. Check them out!


End file.
